last ditch effort ~ basically give up

It doesn't feel that great but it's all I have left.
The idea of being a parent in the real sense of the role is gone. It's over.
I am done with it.
I am simply symbolic.. just like my voice/vote in our fascist monopolist state.
Technically it exists but ALL meaning has been crushed out.


I asked her if being my kid's mom makes her feel important. It's a very important job, and I can't really even think of anything more important.
I won't change the world.
But he might.

For me being important and happy are together. They are the same.
I have made myself more important by relocating to live with ultra low overhead and generate as much funding productivity as I can. It is entirely separate from my duty as a parent... therein lies the darkness that falls upon me.

belonging = important to someone and many people and a cause and a tribe. Your own kids and many neighbors' and co workers'

when you belong you are happy because you have liberty. you are free to live, safe from bullying, theft, tyranny, oppression. life is just to short to fuck around with being stolen from and abused all the time.

but I am here to try and beat this corrupt system. Try to extract some resources and redistribute it.. Start something.

Put some roots down for radical sharing.

The next innovation called for in the path that we've come with technology is sharing. No innovator yet has made that their life idea.  All our Jobs, Musks, Zuckerbergs, and so forth, have been in the profit game. Tech and information age has surged. 

Now we must respond to it with the mandate: 

The wealth of the tech age MUST be put to use to ensure that housing is ultra affordable and the oppression of monopolism can no longer terrorize honest working citizens, especially not families.

emptiness all around me

I guess this all started late one night when a passenger in my car asked a strange question-

What are you like as a person?

My mind locked up for a moment trying to produce the response. 

I'm very inward, as in there's so much thought swirling about my mind that it can be a struggle to pull any of it down into verbal communication. As you just saw. 

So I used to misinterpret my inwardness as solitary, but as I've grown up I have learned that I vitally seek people. I seek to help them. I need the energy, being needed. 

I started with just me, a fragment of me, inside, and worked my way out. I refused external wisdom. I had to figure it all out my way. That's what I'm like as a person. In kindergarten I would refuse to do the art projects, desiring to make my own design than to reproduce the suggested themes. 

Another night, in the deep suburbs near where I lived, I stared into the vacant shops and offices, brooding. A very typically slow Friday night. Nothing at all is going on out here, even on a weekend night. 

What's so convenient about this store, I demanded to know. All you fucking sell is sugar water, candy, junk food, nothing real. The overhead signs glowed back at me defiantly. Over 112 energy drink. Flavors to choose from. Deli. Restrooms. Ice cream. Energy zone High Voltage. Cold drinks. This ain't convenience! This is shit!

It's not just the healthlessness... It's the infuriating marketing we've all been force fed for generations now asking us to accept healthlessness. 

Near the start of that night, waiting for any ride requests, I stared into the library across from my place. Imagining an old library man, the keeper of the establishment. It brings him joy, and he's lived there and kept the place in order for as long as I can remember. But no. No we don't have that. We have economics which have divided us up, kept us living separately, just coming together to grind through the workday, scarcely interacting, then back to our disconnected residences. 

We need to rehumanize everything. 

We need old library men. 

The concept of the library is theoretically just right, but under implemented. It needs to be a center point to a village, a place where everyone can convene and receive nurture, knowledge, nourishment. It needs to have a kitchen and other community driven facilities. Even housing units, as an option for anyone experiencing a conflict at home or difficulty finding a home. 

I would love to cook for my neighborhood. Nothing brings people together in belonging like good free food. 

We need to rehumanize everything. We can't continue on like this. 

Several weeks before that, I sat in a parking lot, which happened to contain a cell tower. I posted it to all of my blogs and accounts.

Behold the beacon of our dystopia ~ a state of civilization in which our communities keep us separated instead of unified, and this technology tethers us to the employer and gives us the illusion of connection to each other so we scarcely notice the actual distance of humanity from itself

#wireless #lifeless #dehumanized #dystopia

A little after that, I drove past a curious mass of parked cars. So many all parked, but the location did not seem to be a public parking lot or car dealership. Maybe they were rental vehicles. I think that sight planted the seed of thought that continued to haunt me. But I realized I've been haunted by this for as long as I can remember in my adult life. I've always peered into partially lit, empty offices or residences with dim lighting spilling out, just longing for some purpose, some life. Who I am has formed almost completely upon the basis of this haunted sense of the scarcity of actually living. The emptiness all around me. 

I don't know what to do. But just now, having come up with the right words for my relation to the other humans here and now, I can see that my calling is to spark rehumanization. I have to do it. Everywhere I go, every way within my control, I have to positive initiate. Break the insecurity. Unite with those around me. Give them permission to be alive for once just by crossing paths with me. 

The things people say to me, mostly drunk ones, in my car have confirmed this thought process. My city is populated with beautifully vibrant people just doing their best. For the first time ever I feel a kinship with my actual place, that I only could have gained going around serving the people, lightening their load - there is immense freedom in being transported without having to drive. It is similar to minimalist housing. Far lower emotional overhead. Zen af. 

All on its own before we have exchanged one word, my efforts are toward rehumanization when I am out on the road taking people out, or to work, or getting them home safely. 

Profession reflection as the american political revolution reaches critical mass

A profession is not a job. It is a pursuit that makes life worth living. The thing you do which creates the value, the reason to wake up each morning. My degree is in life learning, surviving multiple traumas through my creativity and human resolve. The power of imagination to rescue oneself from unthinkably harmful encounters. As a professional, what I do, it's being a dad, emotionally supporting / coaching my friends, and teaching / guiding those who seek. Helping people get where they need to go safely or fix what isn't working for them. Preparing soul sustaining food. Loving is creativity. I am a creative. All of these interactions are created with imagination and compassion. That is what makes my life worth living.



Someone posed the question - healthcare is a right, yes, but more importantly shelter, clean safe drinking water, and healthy food is a right--- The basic premise of universal INCOME is, once you remove the necessity to monetize professions, people will then have true freedom to accomplish what matters. To spend their effort on emotional currency rather than to be enslaved to the idea of profitability, which ultimately will benefit the human race by allowing innovators to pursue their dreams, caring individuals to pursue outreach, makers to build their art or tools, etc----- where profitability has been taken out of the equation they will be limited only by their own strength of will and determination to succeed. I feel that capitalism provides a basic model for things but we have the currency wrong. The currency that is real is human emotion. Money is imaginary, made up, and is destroying our human family slowly and surely.




My number 1 enemy is the idea that I have to find a profitable way to pursue social work or teaching. Almost defeats the purpose of these 2 professions. Or parenthood for that matter ----



The fact that we allow homelessness and we do not have a program by which those who have suffered extreme neglect or abuse can escape to a safe place to live that is private and has the solitude necessary for them to begin recovery, absolutely baffles me. I don't know if we can solve these two specific cases without something very much like universal income - a standard by which we effectively through our actions say to all people: you matter, you're wanted and worthwhile, and you deserve the freedom to spend your life engaged in what makes you feel fulfilled.



Only then can we eliminate the perpetually faulty pyramid model for human societies, and convert to a sustainable mesh system where it is extremely similar to the barter system. People offer their professions to one another without having to be reduced down to a dollar value. They can all live and have their basic rights to shelter, good health, safe drinking water, and dignity, without being expected to prove that they are worth these basic human rights. Then trade continues in a capitalistic fashion, where competition still occurs ensuring that the best in any field is available and monopolists cannot thrive, cannot put strangleholds in place that make the quality of products and service plummet for everyone- the situation we literally have now with all the new monopolists- telecom and media, fossil fuel, healthcare, financial industry.

Crisis of self

I want to live artfully. For the visceral experience of living and dying. And instead I'm stuck in this fucking cage of consumerist bullshit and cheap, bargain bin notfreedom

As for who I am.... I'm completely counter dependent whether I like it or not. Stubborn and dominant. Ultra creative. Painfully unable to participate in what is considered to be normal settled life (agricultural human civilization). My dominance has flourished by muting myself to most anyone... Excluding them from me, retaining control by avoidance. This is fascinating. 

As for who I desire - the ones I adore most are the most expressive warm and inclusive, non counterdependent, the most opposite. ... The Front-men and women of the world. Outwardly Creative - endlessly loving.

The brilliant ones who seek those of similar brilliance - perceptive enough to detect it in us obtuse, counterdependently awkward loners -and build their community of us. 

To me, BEING an artist means relentlessly expressing what you feel to be relevant and real regardless of whether it is understood or even remotely accepted by any audience. My values dictate an unshakeable honesty... Which makes me an artist by pure manner of ethics.

rebel truthseeker

This is another comment on comprehension of myself. What might be my most defining trait. Ultra stubborn self actualization. 

Why i always have to do things my own way? Often the stupid, completely upside down and backwards way. Why am I so obtuse yet so easily amused. 


It is rebellion not simply for the sake of being different- for the sake of finding truth no one else cares to seek. A way of being that requires constant self reinvention. Re imagination. 

Overrated, underrated, and un rated are the truthseekers playgrounds. 

I feel like this is one of the most defining traits of aspie spectrum personality. For me, I feel that I am far less talented than a real aspie. But I strongly possess the truthseeker trait that defines the personality. 

That being said. 

I feel like I'm wasting my life. I am an important ally to people... Learners on the path to self understanding. My wisdom and emotional intellect is needed, direly.

I am wasting my life
in corporate hell.

I should have been a teacher. I want to teach in humanities. Art, music, writing. The skill of being human... Bearing through trauma and loss and reality with the raw power of self expression. If I hadn't been a rising master of this skill... I would not be alive today. I need to teach what I know. Acceptance. Love--- For ourselves, where it begins, and grows to love for others.

Mentor attitude parenting

A realization about teaching kids
They need structure. I never quite understood why. But it's like walking with my 3 year old. Ie to the restroom in ikea as we were today.

If I'm not holding her hand or touching her shoulder/back at all she veers and doesn't realize to keep going forward. She doesn't really have the concept of where we are going. What's immediately in front of her is too engaging and stimulating. If there is too much wide open area to float around within, that captures her.

You don't know where you are yet. You also aren't that steady. Not much skill. You'll get there when you get there. This is the honest essence of being young.

Now, if all I do is hold her hand and pull her along, she never has the chance to be engaged by all of that open newness. Sometimes she needs that so she doesn't feel overloaded by the possibilities - but not always. Otherwise she's just being pulled through and can't ever develop her own sense of where she wants to go, or her own sense of actual stability and confidence of step after step, and arriving where she wants to be (or realizing she didn't really want where she ended up).

She has to be allowed to wander, while comparing her result back with me to absorb the idea of purpose and destination. I have to show her where we are going and influence her, and trust her to see me and accept that I want her to find her footing and to have what is really best for her happiness. Not be dragged through a path that I think will make her happy. Just showing examples of what it means to be steady and go with purpose, being in the moment while also knowing who you are.

That's what it is, a trust interaction. The mentor trusts and reveres the young one. That's unconditional love.

Child-induced depression

No matter what I think parenting just wrecks you. Becoming one. And then we get no support to be able to fight against that and recover ourselves

Then you just end up...

Pissed off and helpless trying to grab hold of yourself again and be what you need to be for that kid who is your entire world. 

This isn't what I want. I want to be supported in the thing that's important to me. Someone to care. And then I want to feel like the community has my back. 

It feels like there is no community- You just do everything absolutely on your own. You don't fit anywhere. 

This critical interaction to give you security outside your personal life doesn't exist. Why?