the devious yet glorious condition of being fatally flawed

i compose music ultimately for fun. my desire is to create ideas that sound alive, uncompromised & uncensored. the thing is that i knew this before i properly understood the art as escapism thing. i knew it felt good, i just didn't know why. it took me a very long time to attain a rewarding result after very much practicing and dabbling with the process of experimentation and production. what kept me going was the fun factor. the initial works that i even remotely appreciate at this point are merely tolerable at best.

i've been following a largely process-over-product mentality. i like to work with the sound and see what kind of discoveries occur. when something is ready it comes to life in the music. with this, i've found that my work defies my desire to control it. i can't force it. all i can do is try and try, then suddenly i'm astonished when something works, and i feel it. i act as little more than a conduit for the origination of its existence. the songs are like offspring. i can see the pieces of me that were passed on, and also the new aspects that in turn influence and shape me a bit as time goes on. recently this has been very profound. my entire philosophy has flipped itself inside out once again recently, in a very interesting evolution that began in the 2nd half of this 6th year of my freedom when i started making breakthroughs in my music creation.

as for now i am not sure what else there is to say. through my music and large amounts of introspection over this past year, i have learned and for the first time fully understood the nature of what i am, and the nature of my finite existence. i fear death, as the true and final end. my existence has taken on this incredible quality of tangibility, as a result of this cognizance of my perishability. my ego is just a fading memory. my life is one second within an eternity of existence. i am constantly aware of the total insignificance of my actions. this state of mind actually makes every second immortally brilliant. i am not sure if this is exactly what the existentialists felt... it seems to be the exact balance between nihilism and pure "your life is yours to create" existentialism. art as 1 part escapism, 1 part naturalism. i am everything and nothing. this is the condition of being fatally flawed. the devious and glorious path to complete destruction