A short exposition on how it feels to have willingly severed myself completely from everything I was ever taught to be or think

"6/5/04... drowned in the brilliance of a familiar sun rising, the characters and consequences that just moments ago had enveloped me fade; an expired dream.... the reality of waking life completely dissolves any sense of reality that dream might have given."

5 years later.... I still feel exactly like this. Still somewhat haunted by the memories I know to have been real at one point.... but invigorated by the dawn nonetheless.

A mere 6 years ago I was still completely engulfed in confusion and madness... on a path to total self-destruction. I realized that once you pass a certain point on this kind of path the only way to recover is to disassemble what you were.

To avoid catastrophic breakdown I took this one step further by destroying the pieces rather than trying to pick them up and put them back together. I needed a 100% new me, as the old me was NOT me at all.... just a damaged embryo which had never been cared for or nourished enough to even break through the top layer of soil to be able to experience the brilliance of true daylight in reality.

I am fighting with the remaining difficulty that any attempt at association with anyone from that old life vexes me because they have not changed at all. They still offer me no care, and no encouragement whatsoever. How can I overcome this? How can I create a constructive relationship with anyone I hold responsible for creating that doomed version of me? Why should I even want this?

I have tried... and it causes me pain and rage.

I find that this situation somewhat mirrors the rest of my new views on existence... there is no resolution, there is no certainty, and there never will be. The ultimate cognitive dissonance is that I still continue to fear that the death of said individuals will come and I will then regret the seeming finality of the irresolution I've described here.